My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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