She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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