Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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