I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
