oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
