goodnight i made you a song goodbye
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
