saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize