I wish I could teleport
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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