Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
