There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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