The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
