You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
