I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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