What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
