I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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