Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
