I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
