My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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