WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
