turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
