When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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