I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
