True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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