my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
