apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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