his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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