U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
