Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
