My first STD was from a foam party
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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