I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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