you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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