When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize