never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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