sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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