he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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