I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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