if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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