I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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