He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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