Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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