I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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