My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
