I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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