I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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