the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
