She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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