I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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