Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
