Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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