you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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