Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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