cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Two words: nipple clamps
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